Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
