There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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