Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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