Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
