Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
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