Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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