make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
