bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
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