Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
