btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Randomize
