We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Randomize
