The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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