Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
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