walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
