Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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