I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
