she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
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I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
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Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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