highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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