Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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