No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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