i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
True strength comes from lack of pants
Randomize
