Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
