A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
