I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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