I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize
