i used baking grease as lip gloss
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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