I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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