How long until YT realizes that it's a man?
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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