you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Holy sore nipples Batman
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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