He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
