Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
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You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
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I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.