I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
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He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
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I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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