I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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