my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
