Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize
