I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
