Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
