chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
