Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
