I can tuck mytits in my pants
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Randomize
