I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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