You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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