god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
