They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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