and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
