Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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