Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
