God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
