why didn't you poke me back
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
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Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
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Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence