I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
