I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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