Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
