You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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