he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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