Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
