It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
