I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
God I need to hump something, right now.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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