I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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