i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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